Employ ninja-like tactics to place your Post-it notes.
Stealth is key here, so try a friendly backslap.
And if you’re caught, say you were removing it and deny everything.
Post-it possibilities:
$120/hour specials
Stand back. Flatulence issues
Stab here
Feel free to feel me
Yes, it’s acne
I love wet willies
You have an office. You have chairs. You’re surrounded by people with legs. It’s time to clear a 60-foot path and break out the checkered flags.
Tips for success:
Wear shoes with good grip. Heels won’t do it.
Shoulder tackles are encouraged.
If all else fails, cheat.
Purge old, rotten concepts from work and burn calories, too. Bust out your best moves from The Karate Kid, crank up Kung Fu Fighting and go to town.
Plan of attack:
Chop the outdated pitches
Annihilate old research boards
More cathartic than two hours with Dr. Phil
Finally, a reason to come to work sans pants. Not only is it a great ice breaker for any client meeting, but you can also use it as an excuse to show off your Ren & Stimpy underwear.
For the sake of everyone in the office, we suggest you do not combine this with “go commando day.” Please.
Twenty-second of May, official “Talk Like Yoda Day” is. But on that day, be at work you will not.
Not so easy, this task. Prevail, you will, and by day’s end, a Yoda-talking expert you will be.
With this simple duty, still having much trouble, yes? To ameliecompany.com/calendar will you go. Much advice there you will find, hmmm.
The most common use for the air-filled plastic is as a stress-reliever, achieved by popping the bubbles one at a time. This practice is currently being protested by therapists across the country.
Other uses include:
Padded cells for insane mice
Crash mats for stunt cockroaches
Insulated binding for troublesome employees
Replacement windows for ‘76 Pintos
So, you’re on hold with the cable company, waiting to speak to someone about being overcharged while Leonard Cohen sings in one ear, Ben Stein reads War and Peace in the other and snails race across your desk.
That’s not even close to how slow your day needs to go. Walk slow. Talk slow. Pee slow. Think slow. Be slow.
Marshmallows are the key to immortality. Whether you stuff them in your nose, your mouth, your ear or even your dog’s ear, breaking a Guinness World Record, with marshmallows or anything else, guarantees your place in history.
Try breaking these:
Most number of marshmallows in open mouth: 18
Most marshmallows eaten in one minute: 24
Longest marshmallow nose blow: 4.96 meters
Grab your imaginary ’57 Gibson Les Paul TV Special, with single-coil P90 pickups, Brazilian rosewood fingerboard and stud mounted bridge. Turn your imaginary Marshall JTM45 up to 11. Now, play like you mean it.
Tracks to rock out to:
Led Zeppelin: Stairway To Heaven
Guns ‘N’ Roses: Sweet Child O’ Mine
Velvet Revolver: You Got No Right
Queen: Bohemian Rhapsody
Achieving the perfect bad hair look takes effort; it’s not enough to be slightly messy, you need complete follicle chaos. Try dragging yourself backwards through a rosebush, wrestling a bear with PMS, or getting into a fight over a paternity test on the Maury Show.
Products to assist you:
Old gum
Spray glue
Trash
Paris Hilton. Kim Kardashian. That douchebag from The Hills. These are all people who don’t deserve grand entrances, but they get them all the time. It’s time to give them to someone in your office who really deserves it. Make them feel special, just this once. High five.
Supplies:
Ticker tape (aka: shredder contents)
Cameras and flashes
Theme music, like Eye of the Tiger
People who can look genuinely happy for three minutes
There’s a fine art to giving someone a bad gift. It takes a complete lack of tact, a small budget and a total inability to empathize. If you do it right, a thundering slap across the cheek may be your reward. If they genuinely love it, you’re way off.
Idea starters:
Two large tubs of Vaseline
A one-year supply of anti-perspirant
Hair gel for the bald guy
An extra-large cucumber